The Salon in the Drug Store

So as most of the world knows, Longs is out and CVS is in. Now, at first I thought this just meant no more craft aisle--I totally used to love buying fabritac glue at midnight when the fabric store was closed, and of course it meant my worst nightmare had come true and the drugstore is now carpeted---I can't wait for the vomit stains and gum remnants, so hot. But no. It gets stranger.

Tonight I went to CVS. I needed duct tape and gum, but found myself draw to a mysterious doorway into an all white, non carpeted room. Wait a minute, it's not a room, it's a salon and beauty store. Like a legit beauty store. I stare in amazing, and say "waaah?" and a girl walks by me and says "yeah, I know, what the fuck?"

Turns out I'm just not as European trendy as I wish I could be. Beauty stores in drug stores is apparently all the rage over there. So this place is called Beauty 360 and they look like an operating room's version of Sephora. Now, I was too intimidated to walk around, but I did grab a flyer and it turns out you can go in any time for free samples and lessons, and get manicures with a purchase of nail products. Their motto is "a new vision of beauty." At first I didn't get it. If I want beauty, I want to seek it out. Then I stepped over the carpeted threshold to the CVS makeup aisle and the harsh florescent lighting made my dear friends Cover Girl and Mabelline look a little less beautiful.

The Wrath of Bobbi

Ok kids. Bobbi ain't pleased. Granted yesterday I spend the day photographing nearly sixty pairs of cowboy boots---yes orgasmic, I know, Today I put on my brand new western lace-ups--a miraculous deep eggplant, and I'm pretty sure I invented the phrase "putting on the wrong side of the shoe." Because I know for a fact that when I woke I was indeed on the proper side of the bed.

I spend the day toiling over a Mad Men esque party dress for a heftier lady. Don't get me wrong, She is a sexy beast, but I'm much better at making clothes for ladies with no boobs, no tummy, and no butt. After so serious meltdowns I decided to throw in the towel and start draping a kimono bathing suit for the chick. Apparently our director thinks it is wrong for fat girls to wear bathing suits that would not comply to Amish dress code.

So now I'm a little pissed, and I'm pretty sure my bathing kimono is pretty ugly, but I just don't give a damn, so I come home to a phone conversation ending in the rape of my checking account by the good people at CHASE, a sore wrist, and a nagging pain at the back of my skull telling me I gotta figure out my life, because it cannot be spent making garments to cover up women who aren't ashamed of what their momma gave them.

And if that isn't bad enough, 97% of Flixter users are excited for Wall Street 2. Seriously? At least it beat out the next Twilight by 2%. 2 fucking percent.

An Intimate Affair

I find myself sitting here at nearly 2:00 am watching back episodes of Burn Notice, and rather than thinking about Bruce Campbell's unfortunate beer gut and Miami Beach lounge wear, my mind is consumed with pubic hair. Dear reader, I warn you now, this post may seem crass or dirty or just plain gross, but when Bobbi's got a problem, Bobbi's gotta vent.

I have decided female pubic hair should be illegal. I'll extrapolate. Last night I enjoyed an entire trough of hot and sour soup at my favorite Chinese joint, and of course found my bladder in need of relief. As I enter the public restroom the restaurant shares with the parking garage next door, not one, not two, but all six toilets in the stalls presented me with a gift in the form of pube covered seats.

Now I am not sure that a similar occurrence could happen in the men's room--I don't exactly frequent men's rooms, but I am sure men would be equally disgusted. Yes I know we must work harder, actually pulling down our pants and sitting down to relieve ourselves, but because of that must we be so lazy to not properly dispose of any stray hairs? And after a little flush is it really too much to as to just do a little seat wipe down? You can't think it is gross if it is your own hair. And if you do think it is gross, maybe you shouldn't have any anyway.

So maybe it doesn't need to be outlawed, but I'm thinking a serious campaign for proper pubic grooming, maintenance and cleanup needs to be considered. You wouldn't pee on the seat and just leave it there like a drunk frat brother. You wouldn't clip your toenails and leave the little buggers on the kitchen counter, so why not just properly dispose of your curly q's.

Now. Was that really so much to ask?

I Put Some New Shoes On Today

Dear Blogosphere, Bobbi has a confession to make. Today I bought a pair of Reebok Easy Tones. Please, hold your giggles, your chocolate milks is gonna shoot out your nose, and boy does that hurt.

So I did it, I was seduced by the commercial of the skinny bitch with the nice butt who says my butt will look like hers if I wear her shoes.

Lady Foot Locker was possibly the most horrifying experience of my life, especially when the lady untied the shoes and tried to put them on my feet---I'm not a cripple here lady, I just want some trendy exercise shoes. She then added "you can't run in them, you'll twist an ankle." Oh darn. Another pair of shoes I can't run in. Aw shucks.

So now I'm wearing them, and I feel like I'm walking on sand, and my but doesn't hurt yet, and my feet only look mildly stupid. So $100 bucks later I find myself sitting, looking at my nice new shoes, wanting to run.

Owls and Cowls?

Bobbi is confused. In a fury of "it's too close to christmas to actually order gifts on time" shopping, I can't seem to escape owls and cowls. So I've written a poem about it.

Owls and Cowls about.
Too many for me to hide from.
Who made them trendy?

No, seriously kids, where in God's name are the owls and cowls coming from? It's everywhere, UO, Anthro, Etsy, EVERYWHERE.

So what's next? Frogs and Clogs? Fishes and Dishes? well?

Even my pals and I at At Home Hipster are exploring the Owl Cowl Craze.

Better Than a Mai Thai

So everyone knows Bobbi hates the gym, but Bobbi being the lady she is does not want to get fat. Getting fat is worse than marrying a republican. So this evening, browsing good ole Etsy, I came across quite possibly the most brilliant thing ever. A hula hoop shop. Yes, hand made hula hoops (who knew). What could be better for my figure than hula?

So it appears Lola runs The Hip Revolution which is quite possibly the coolest/craziest/most entertaining etsy store yet. Not only do these hoops come in a variety of epically named colors, Lola even sells hoop bags. I had no idea hula hoops had bags.

And, even better, The Hip Revolution is out of Olympia, I had no idea you could hula hoop in the rain.

The things you learn...If only I knew how to hula.

Holiday Dinner Dash

The time has come. It is just barely two weeks until the day in which a large majority of main stream folks celebrate a fat guy who brings gifts or a baby of immaculate conception. Either way, it means it is time for holiday parties and no one besides Brie Vandicamp and Martha Stewart have the time to prepare anything to take to a party. So, in traditional Bobbi Noodle fashion, I shall reveal the secrets to the holiday festivity foods...

CUPCAKES:
Get yourself a simple boxed mix, just not white or yellow--hello tacky.
Use half oil half butter.
Use given egg amount.
Add TWO teaspoons canned frosting--vanilla, chocolate, whatever works with your cake flavor---not white--once again, tacky.

The frosting adds mositure and fluff to your cupcakes making them just a little different. The crowd will have no idea they were made by Betty and not you.

FROSTING
Once again, not white--it's tacky. Any frosting you like is good, the whipped ones will seem tacky too, stick to traditionals and add to them--nuts, chips (chocolate, not Lays), a little flavoring--via coffee syrups or extracts. Also, food coloring will ALWAYS give you a fun, festive, homemade look.

BROWNIES
Slightly alter box directions-
Use given amount of eggs.
Cut water amound down by a third and bump up the oil.
Add two tablespoons of a flavored coffee syrup (vanilla, hazelnut, and raspberry work well)
Pour in pan and add a topping--pb, chips, chunks, nuts, reeses, whatever floats your boat.
Cut when cool with a PLASTIC knife. It helps them keep their shape.

PEPPERMINT BARK
My personal fav...
Melt dark chocolate chips in micro, spread evenly on a baking sheet. Freeze ten minutes.
Melt white chocolate chips in micro, spread evenly over dark chocolate layer.
Crush a few candy canes in a baggie, in a towel, with a happer, sprinkle on top of white chocolate. Freeze for another ten. Break and serve. Easy and theraputic.

And there you have it folks. Three ways to cheat yourself into a party that is bound to have food just as good if not better than your sorry excuse for "home baking."

xoxo
Bobbi